I think I'm going to quit online dating.
Essentially, my experiences of online dating is that it's very methodical and boring. I skim profile after profile. Non attractive ones and fairly attractive ones, including both the categories of looks and/or personality. My best end-game is always that I meet up with someone that I "kind of" like; more like, could imagine enjoying my time with well enough. Then, I grow to slowly, slowly and unfairly despise them because I know there really isn't anything there for me. I'm just settling, again, or trying to.
Why? First, just because of the off chance that I might be jumping to a bad, unfair conclusion based on some "unrealistic standard". Second, because I feel as if I'm telling them they're not good enough for the likes of me. The second is almost as untrue as it is true; it's not that they're not good enough for the likes of me, for I'm definitely not some unattainable figure... but the true bit is just that they are just that, not good enough. I always know at the back of my head that I'm going out of my way not to be bored in their presence, and I'm simply working to entertain myself while I wait for them to become interesting people. Against all odds, they never become more interesting. Can you read the sarcasm, by the way?
"So picky" my mum comments calmly when I told her last night I think I finally found the words for why me and the dude from my last four dates are not gonna work out for me, and had relayed them to her. Although while mum carries on listening to me and baking saffron-buns, she also agrees that "Of course there must be some kind of attraction, otherwise it's certainly not for you". Sometimes her demeanour still confuses me. She can be a tough person to read, my mum.
"I can't just settle again, like I did with my three previous relationships. It will be another Starguy* story." I say.
*Starguy would be my third boyfriend. Obviously, I don't wanna label with real names here. I'll nickname him Starguy because he was really, really into stars and space; as far as making it his major in university. My initial attraction for him was his passion for it. We didn't work out because I felt alone in his company, if that makes sense. And he wasn't a very humoristic kind of fellow, which is always a dealbreaker for me.
"Sure, that's understandable" my mum says... in a very calm, shrugging sort of tone. This makes me feel defensive. It's like someone telling you 'fine, have it your way'.
Oi, no, don't give me that whatevering! Just say it, whatever it is. Gee wiz.
So what is considered giving it a fair chance then? My biggest concern when it comes to dating is to remain fair and honest to the man, no matter how much or little I think of him. I never want to give mixed signals. Since I don't always know what I can expect myself to feel, I always worry about these signals. I feel deceiving if I send yes-signals. I feel unfair if I send no-signals. I feel like a jerk sending maybe?-signals.
Deep down I do know right away if it's a dud. This is why I think I'm gonna call it quits with online dating. I don't want to scan profiles of people describing themselves, talk to them a bit and -then- see if there's any feelings to begin with.
Now that I'm braver, have more energy and confidence, I think I can go outside and meet people face to face. It's the only place - face to face - where I've felt certain that I'm attracted or not attracted to someone. It's the place where I can be true to them and true to myself.
To be honest, I'm quite happy about this conclusion. I used to escape the outside world, and now I'm eager to explore it. I didn't want to meet people, no encounters, no conversations, but now I'm happy to. I stayed up all night recently just googling places I could potentially explore in Stockholm; cafés, sure, bars but also nightclubs. Nightclubs! Me! True, it's not the average sort, but those nightclubs that have special nights when they play only old soul-music that I would love to dance to, latino, 90's, old disco, all that sorta stuff. But I'm psyched by just the idea of wanting to try it; actually wanting to, not forcing myself to.
The world is suddenly an exciting place to be in. I can't seem to get over that.
